September 2014. The announcement that Nintendo has bought Capcom is made. Big things are expected...but nothing. No news. No games. No previews. People go into the Capcom buildings, but nothing seems to be getting done. It's like Nintendo is just spinning their wheels, and bought their old partners just for the sake of it. Fans bemoan Nintendo's decision, and wish Amazon had paid up instead.
At least they'd have done something with with the company.
Months pass. Capcom becomes nothing but a memory, and passes out of the media's line of sight. E3 comes up, and Nintendo is staged to announce...nothing. Absolutely nothing. Nothing exciting anyway. Paid online is coming. No benefits like PSN's two games though. They're discontinuing the Wii line. Just going to focus on their handhelds. Economists say that Nintendo may be on their last legs. This could be the last time we see Nintendo at E3. This could be it.
Reggie walks on stage, disheveled. He obviously hasn't slept in some days, and hasn't changed his clothes in even longer. The fact that Reggie, of all people, is walking on stage in such a manner does not bode well for Nintendo. Maybe the reports of their failing is true. After all, Reggie is, if nothing else, the biggest press man that Nintendo has. If he looks this bad, how does the rest of the company look?
Reggie whispers into his mouth piece, mumbling. The audience can't hear him, and strain to pick up even a syllable. Reggie motions off stage lazily, asking what is happening with the sound system. He sighs as he gets a signal from the wings;there's something wrong with his mic, he needs to walk back over and get a new rig. Reggie turns to the audience, and viewers at home, and apologizes, but there's no real emotion there. He walks off stage, and the stage is empty for all of five seconds.
The lights dim. The stage goes dark. The audience assumes that Nintendo is finally throwing in the towel. They can't even afford to keep the lights going, or convince Reggie to continue with this charade for another year. People stand up, and start moving to leave.
The big screen lights up. White background, plain black text. "Going somewhere?" From out of the speakers, softly,
this begins to play. Just before it gets to the cresendo, as loud as possible,
this is heard.
As soon as we hear the impact, the white screen bursts open, and out steps none other than Captain Falcon. The hall has gone silent. Everyone is wondering what the hell is going on. People are on the edge of their seats.
"Show me yo moves!"
With that, the hall erupts into shouts of joy. Captain Falcon's theme starts playing from the speakers, and Nintendo characters start streaming out of the hole which the infamous punch has made in the screen. Reggie bounds back onto stage, all signs of weariness gone. It was all an act. He's in a fresh suit and tie, and he's beaming from ear to ear. Everything for the past few months has been an act on Nintendo's part. They're not going under. No chance of it.
Reggie starts listing off all the new hypest games coming from Nintendo. They announce a brand new console, ahead of anything coming from their competitors. The audience is going wild. They've been duped, lied to and tricked;and they
love it! People are screaming, they're throwing things on stage in appreciation, a woman is giving birth from the sheer joy of what is happening. She wasn't pregnant before she entered the hall. Nintendo takes this child under their wing, and he, and his mother, shall want for nothing.
Reggie claps his hands together after an hour of presenting. "Well, I'm afraid as much fun as this has been, we've got to wrap it up some time. Sorry for tricking you for so long, but I think you'll agree, it was worth it. Anyway, thanks for believing in us a-"
Reggie is cut off. He looks around confused. His mic has gone dead, only this time he doesn't look like he's in on it. He's gesturing wildly to off stage, asking what is going on and why he's been cut off during his closing speech.
This plays.
On screen, Protoman and Megaman warp in. "Forgetting about us?"
The crowd goes wild once more. People are stomping their feet, cheering and clapping. Local scientists report a mysterious 8.1 earthquake which is localized to the E3 conference center. The child which was just born now has a baby sister. Reggie is beaming again, once again, he's had us all fooled. This has been planned since September 2014. With that, Nintendo wins the console wars, and brings peace on earth.
We still never get Half Life 3.
